Simon only allows this to himself once a week. Water rationing was hard to get used to, and
eating the same bland protein paste day after day will never be easy, but this, this starvation
of body and mind, is only one more lesson he must learn, one more sacrifice to be made in his
quest to keep River safe.
She needs him to be available and ready to take care of her, all of the time. Or perhaps it's
more truthful to say that he needs himself to be ready for her. Whenever he relaxes, it seems,
that's when her fits strike the hardest. He doesn't need to be...occupied if that happens.
Plus, the others are always around. Popping up from nowhere on the tiny ship, with no regard for
his privacy at all.
But, he knows it's unhealthy to ignore his needs completely. So. Saturday wash rotation is his
special time. He locks the door with extra care. Strips quickly. Strokes himself to hardness
as fast as he can, with no finesse and little pleasure. It has to be quick; if anyone notices he
spends extra time, they'll comment as loudly and crudely as possible.
He tries his most surefire fantasies. Ones from his youth, full of big-breasted women with
dark-painted eyelids and gentle hands. He tries old girlfriends, and the two one-night stands he
remembers from the haze of finals weeks long past. He tries fantasies with women he never could
get, and once he even tried imagining Kaylee. But that had seemed so wrong, so prurient, that he'd
started to go limp instead.
Every time, he tries to avoid the one fantasy that always works. And every time, he returns to it.
Mal walking up behind him, bootsteps loud and possessive on Serenity's deck. Simon doesn't turn, but
it doesn't matter. A hand lands strong on his hip: not pushing or pulling, but simply owning. And
then Mal leans in close, the deep cedar and iron scent of his skin preceding his warmth. Simon can't
make out Mal's words, but he doesn't care. Not when they're whispered right in his ear.
After he comes, Simon showers quickly and carelessly, trying to make up the time. Then he dresses
and stows away his needs for another week.